


COPS: Purgatory

by Namaenai



Category: Cops (TV 1989), Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Did that calf have fangs?, Did that guy's eyes glow?, Find out on the next episode of COPS..., Gen, Gnome or Santa?, Is that WereHaught?, Mashup, One Shot, Reality TV, Vampires?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Namaenai/pseuds/Namaenai
Summary: What happens when the crew of a reality show visits Purgatory to film the activities of Purgatory's finest? A whole bunch of crazy, that's what.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 32





	COPS: Purgatory

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this bit of insanity came out of a group chat with some other fic writers last week. We were discussing concepts of fics that highlight the tangential characters and Lonnie came up. Then this concept came up. One thing led to another and, well, here we are... 
> 
> There were many in the conversation, but a particular shout out to the following writers who contributed their thoughts, feedback and/or encouragement on this:  
> [BaggerHeda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaggerHeda/pseuds/BaggerHeda)  
> [Bootsncatz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bootsncatz/pseuds/Bootsncatz)  
> [danacas1101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/danacas1101/pseuds/danacas1101) (who also beta'd this fic)  
> [GoldenWaffles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenWaffles/pseuds/GoldenWaffles)  
> This wouldn't exist without them and others.

“So, this is Purgatory,” the man said to his companion. 

He leaned forward and looked around at the small town, which was small, very small. And it was in the middle of nowhere. _Whose idea was it to focus on small towns this season? What kind of cases are we going to follow here? Drunken cow tipping? Speeding? And what the heck am I doing up here in the dead of winter — during the holidays, no less?_

The man sighed and got out of the car as another pulled up behind him. His companion — a younger woman, holding an iPad and a stack of document folders, got out and stood beside him. He shivered and made his way through the doors marked, “Purgatory Sheriff’s Department.”

***

“Welcome to Purgatory,” a middle-aged man with slightly greying hair and a bushy mustache greeted him. “I’m Sheriff Randy Nedley.” 

“Sheriff Nedley, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Mike. I’m a producer on COPS. We appreciate your willingness to work with us on an episode.” 

The man extended a hand, which Nedley shook firmly as he gave him an appraising look. Mike wore jeans and a black letterman-style jacket with the COPS logo embroidered onto the left breast area. A black baseball cap, also with the logo, sat on his head. _These folks are clearly not ready for Purgatory_ , Nedley thought.

“This is my production assistant, Sandy and our camera operators, Jesse and Bryan,” Mike said, continuing the introductions. “Mark here, does sound and Michelle is our post-production coordinator.”

“Nice to meet you folks,” Nedley said warmly. "I understand Bunny Loblaw arranged this production venture to highlight our town?"

Mike nodded. "That's my understanding. This season, we are highlighting small towns and Ms. Loblaw apparently made a persuasive pitch. She suggested that following your team would be…"

Mike stopped, realizing from Nedley's expression that he didn't have to explain how Bunny had described the team. It was clear there was no love lost between the sheriff and the woman. 

“Yes. I'm sure Ms. Loblaw didn't mince words," Nedley acknowledged. "Follow me. I’ll show you the conference room you can use for your equipment while you are here. It's not much, but it's a safe space to store your gear and talk in private.” 

Nedley led them to a small conference room, pointing out the restrooms and the break room along the way. He noticed Mike looking curiously down the hallway that leads toward the Black Badge Division’s offices. 

“Now, son, I would stay away from there. The agency that uses those offices likes its privacy. Why don’t y’all go and get your equipment, and then come meet me in the bullpen and I’ll introduce you to my team.”

A short time later, the crew had unloaded its gear into the conference room. They reconvened in the bullpen, where Nedley was talking to Nicole while waiting for them. Jesse had a camera. Sandy had her iPad and document stack.

“Sheriff,” Sandy said. “I am going to need releases signed by all of your people who will be on camera.” 

She handed Nedley a folder containing documents. He perused one and signed. The sheriff then handed a few copies of the documents to Nicole for the BBD team. He nodded toward the back hall, which drew a smile from the redheaded deputy, who gladly trotted off to hand them out, away from the production team. The sheriff then handed copies to his staff who remained in the bullpen.

“Now, let me introduce the first members of my team and those who you will probably have the most contact with,” Nedley began. 

“This is Suzanne, our dispatcher.” He introduced the middle aged woman, who was sitting at a desk with radio equipment around it, before turning to Lonnie. “And this is Lonnie, the officer you will be riding along with.”

Sandy approached Suzanne, collecting her signed contract. She then approached Lonnie, who was sitting at his desk rifling through some papers with a confused expression. He signed the proffered document without even looking. 

“Deputy Haught should be back shortly. But why don’t you start here with Lonnie.”

“Oh, um, Sheriff, here is that form you asked for earlier,” Lonnie said, handing Nedley a document.

"Lonnie, this is a stolen property form. I asked for your mileage report."

“Oh, um, sorry. Is it this one?” He handed Nedley another document.

Nedley reviewed the document and sighed. “We’ll discuss this later, son. Why don’t you talk to the nice TV folks right now.”

***

“What the fuck are these, Haught Dog?” Wynonna asked.

Nicole shrugged from where she sat beside Waverly, who leaned back against the arm of the couch with her legs resting across the redhead’s lap. 

“Bunny Loblaw apparently arranged for an episode of COPS to be filmed in Purgatory,” Nicole muttered, not hiding her distaste for the woman. “The production team just got here and asked that everyone who might be on camera sign these releases.”

“Do we need to have a lawyer review these or anything?” Jeremy asked, looking up at Dolls. “What would Black Badge think about this?”

“When was the last time we heard anything from Black Badge?” Dolls asked in response. “Waverly, didn’t you take some online law classes after the last time Wynonna got herself in trouble? Can you review these?”

“Hey!” Wynonna huffed, glaring daggers at Dolls. 

“We didn’t really deal with this kind of stuff, and I’m not a lawyer,” Waverly cautioned. “But they seem pretty standard. They can film us and use our names and images. We can’t sue them for it. That’s about it.” 

“You’re so smart, baby,” Nicole whispered, before leaning in to kiss Waverly.

“Haught,” Wynonna warned. “Quit defiling my baby sister and take these signed forms back to the TV people.”

Nicole sighed and got up from her comfortable spot on the couch. She gathered up the papers and returned to the bullpen to return them to the TV crew. When she arrived, they were filming a brief segment with Lonnie. 

**

_Bad boys, bad boys_  
_Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do_  
_When they come for you_  
_Bad boys, bad boys_  
_Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do_  
_When they come for you_

**VOICEOVER**  
In today’s episode of COPS, we visit the small town of Purgatory. We will be following officer Lonnie for a look at what happens in this remote rural outpost that seems to have a lot of unusual activity. Let’s see if it lives up to its name.

The camera zooms in on Lonnie at his desk. He is looking between a few different stacks of papers. From the expression on his face, it is clear he is deeply concentrating on something. 

**LONNIE**  
Oh, uh, hi.

 **MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
Can you tell our audience about yourself, officer?

The chyron on the screen reads, “Purgatory Sheriff Deputy Lonnie.”

 **LONNIE**   
Oh, um, I’m Officer Lonnie. I grew up in Purgatory. I have been with PSD — that’s, um, Purgatory Sheriff’s Department — for five years now. I was Nedley’s right hand until _she_ came along. 

Lonnie’s eyes narrow and the camera follows his gaze to land on Nicole, who is concentrating on some work. She looks up at the camera with a puzzled look before going back to what she was working on. The camera returns to Lonnie.

 **LONNIE**   
Nedley…I mean, _Sheriff_ Nedley hired her just a couple years ago and is grooming her for sheriff when he retires. She isn’t even from here, you know. And she spends so much time with Waverly Earp. Everyone loves Waverly — she was voted the Nicest Person in Purgatory, with a sash and everything — so it’s no surprise Haught is Nedley's favorite.

As if on cue, Waverly walks by. The camera turns to Nicole, whose gaze follows the brunette as she walks down the hall. The camera follows Haught’s lovestruck look to pick up Waverly, who it then follows as she turns down the hallway to the BBD offices. As Waverly vanishes from sight, the camera returns to Nicole, who blinks at it and then returns to work. 

The camera picks up Nedley as he emerges from his office. 

**NEDLEY**  
Lonnie, I need you to head out to the highway and keep an eye out for reckless drivers near the town line. You know how things always get as the full moon approaches.

Nedley winks at the camera on the last line.

**

“I hope you have a warmer jacket than that,” Nedley noted as Jesse was about to accompany Lonnie out to the speed trap. 

Jesse looked nervously between his producer and Nedley — it was clear he had not been prepared for the Purgatory winter. None of them had. 

“Sheriff,” Mike asked. “Is there somewhere we can pick up some warm coats?”

“Lonnie, why don’t you get Jesse one of our PSD jackets for now. I’ll point these other fine folks in the direction of the thrift shop where they should be able to pick up something on the cheap.” 

***

Lonnie sat in the cruiser with the radar gun on his lap. Occasionally, a car would drive by and he raised the gun to clock it. Rarely were they going fast enough above the speed limit to warrant a traffic stop. It was clear this was a well-known speed trap.

“Ummm, is that a good idea?” Jesse asked, pointing to the radar gun’s proximity to Lonnie’s crotch. “It, uh, seems unsafe.”

Lonnie just shrugged.

Jesse made a note to add a chyron regarding the fact that radar guns emit radiation and should not be put on one’s laps if they use the speed trap footage. 

A short while later, a sleek party bus sped by and Lonnie lifted the radar gun. The readout on the gun read 90 m.p.h. Lonnie turned on the lights and sirens and sped after the bus. A moment later, it pulled over to the side of the road and the cruiser pulled up behind it. The officer exited his vehicle.

“Finally, some action,” Jesse muttered as he got out of the cruiser and followed Lonnie.

A woman in Euro-chic clothing, and sunglasses that are unnecessary in the dim light of the early-setting sun, stepped from the bus as Lonnie approached. A pink fog drifted from the bus as a man followed.

“Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?” Lonnie asked.

“You don’t want to give me a ticket, handsome,” the woman responded in a distinct Eastern European accent. She had an aura about her that seemed persuasive and irresistible.

Jesse was transfixed and could barely hold the camera steady.

“What is your name, ma’am?”

“My name is Petra. Can I go?”

“Yes ma’am, you can go. Please don’t speed through town.”

“Thank you, officer.” She ran a finger along Lonnie’s jaw then blew him a kiss and returned to the bus. Before Lonnie and Jesse were even back in the cruiser, the bus had sped off. 

“What…what was that about?” Jesse asked incredulously.

Lonnie just stared after the bus, thoroughly entranced. "I love her," he muttered.

***

Back at the sheriff’s department offices, Mike and the rest of the team had returned from purchasing winter coats and were doing some filming of the office space. While most of the team had found jackets that were reasonably new and stylish, Mark’s purchase was a poofy white number with pastel pink, blue, and green stripes. Judging by its good condition, it had been worn once and hadn’t left the back of someone’s closet in decades.

The crew approached Nicole, cameras rolling. She looked around, much like a cornered animal, in search for a quick exit. Unfortunately, they had her surrounded. She sighed and resigned herself to the interview.

"Let's start with an easy one," Mike began. "Tell us your name and how you ended up here."

***

The COPS team was in their borrowed conference room discussing the day’s events. They agreed things had definitely been different from their typical day in the field, particularly Jesse’s experiences with the bus.

Michelle was reviewing footage of the bus incident when she stopped suddenly and turned to Mike. “Ummmm, boss, I’ve got bad news….”

“What now?” Mike asked. 

She hit play on the footage of the traffic stop. The camera followed Lonnie as he exited the car and approached the bus. The bus door opened and a pink fog or mist floated out. But that is when it got really strange — Lonnie was speaking but there was no sign of anyone else.

“What the?!” Jesse exclaimed. “I’m telling you, I saw a woman there. She was very European, like she stepped out of some Eastern European disco or something. There was a man with her too.” 

“How are things going in here?” Nedley interrupted, poking his head in the open door. 

“Sheriff, can you take a look at this?” Mike asked. “Jesse swears there was a woman there.”

“Huh. That bus looks familiar,” Nedley mused. 

As he pointed toward the footage on screen, he continued. “Yep. See that sexy pink smoke - it’s from a powerful new drug that we have been having trouble with out here in the Ghost River Triangle. They actually call it ‘Sexy Pink Fog,’ because even the smoke is intoxicating. I bet you and Lonnie both caught a whiff of it and had a shared hallucination.” 

Mike looked over at Jesse who just shrugged. He certainly did not have a better explanation. 

“Thanks, Sheriff,” Mike said. He turned to his team and continued, “Well, I guess we’re scrapping that footage then. At least we have the initial footage and the footage we got here in the offices. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.” 

Outside the door, Nedley chuckled and went to give the BBD team a heads-up that vampires had come to Purgatory. 

***

Chyron: Purgatory Sheriff’s Deputy Nicole Haught

Nicole looks like a cornered animal, her eyes darting around, searching for a quick exit.

 **NICOLE**   
I'm, uh, Deputy Nicole Haught. I moved to Purgatory for this job a couple years ago. Sheriff Nedley recruited me after I graduated from the Academy. 

**MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
Deputy Haught, what are the offices down the hall? We saw you disappear down there for a while earlier. Officer Lonnie tells us it is a government agency you work with sometimes.

 **NICOLE**  
Oh, ummm, down the hall? Yeah, they just help us on some investigations. Like animal attacks or stuff. In the forest. Yeah.

 **MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
So, they are like a wildlife or forestry service?

 **NICOLE**  
Yeah, umm, something like that.

Nicole looks nervous. 

**NICOLE**  
Um, excuse me. I think I heard Nedley calling me. I’ll talk to you later.

Nicole hurries off and the camera follows until it picks up Dolls walking toward the breakroom. The next shot is of Dolls, pouring coffee in a black mug that has a large X on it.

 **MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
Mr. Dolls, is it? Can you tell us what you do around here?

 **DOLLS**  
My work is classified.

 **MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
Deputy Haught seemed to allude to the fact that your agency investigates calls that may not be in the Sheriff’s Department’s jurisdiction.

Dolls’ eyes narrow. He is clearly not happy. 

**DOLLS**  
And just what did Deputy Haught say?

 **MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
That’s about it. We gathered you are some sort of wildlife service, but…

 **DOLLS**  
If you go anywhere near our offices, I’ll have you charged with treason.

The deputy marshal turns and walks away from the camera. It follows him as he walks back toward the BBD office space. With one last glance — and a glare — towards the camera, Dolls opens the door and steps inside.

***

Chyron: Purgatory Sheriff’s Department, December 27, Morning

 **NICOLE**  
Lonnie! Why are you filling out a missing person report for a missing pug? 

Lonnie stares blankly. 

**NICOLE**  
We have a specific form for that. 

Nicole hands Lonnie his improperly-filled-out form and the blank missing pet form. She returns to her desk with an anxious glance at the camera, which turns to a smile as her eyes land on Waverly, who is approaching. 

The camera cuts to a man dressed in a long coat, wearing an old-West style hat, strolling down the hallway. As he passes by the bullpen, he tips his hat toward the officers. The camera follows him until he disappears down the hallway that leads toward the BBD offices.

The scene shifts to the second camera, which picks up Waverly, who is now half-sitting and half-leaning against her desk. Nicole is now seated at her desk, resting on her elbows, and looking up at Waverly like she hung the moon and the stars. 

**VOICEOVER**  
Purgatory has some interesting residents.

Chyron: Waverly Earp, “The Nicest Person in Purgatory”

 **WAVERLY**  
Oh. That’s John Henry. He runs Shorty’s Saloon. He…

Waverly glances down at Deputy Haught as if asking a silent question.

**WAVERLY**  
John Henry is actually a, um, distant relative of Doc Holliday, so he likes to dress in period-appropriate garb. You know, Shorty’s is where Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday used to drink. There’s even a sign there, “Drink Where Wyatt Earp Drank.” 

The scene shifts to an interior shot of Shorty’s bar and then a close up of the sign. 

**WAVERLY**  
We get some tourists — fans of Wyatt Earp — who come through town from time to time just to visit the bar. We call them Earpers. 

**MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
Why would he be heading to such a highly secure office suite if he runs a restaurant?

**WAVERLY**  
Bringing lunch for the team?

Waverly shrugs. 

**MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
Isn’t your last name Earp?

**WAVERLY**  
Oh, umm, yeah. Wyatt was my great-great-grandfather. 

***

Chyron: Purgatory Sheriff’s Department, December 27, afternoon

Wynonna and Waverly enter the offices covered in strange goo. Nicole follows behind, slightly less disheveled and goo-covered, lugging heavy plastic bags toward the BBD offices. Jeremy approaches and grimaces as he gingerly takes one look at the women. 

**NICOLE**  
We make a pretty good team!

**WYNONNA**  
Yeah, chemistry's solid.

Wynonna looks between Nicole and Waverly. Waverly blushes as she and Nicole exchange flirty glances. 

**WYNONNA**  
You two keep it PG in the decontamination shower.

Jeremy clears his throat and nods his head toward the cameras.

Wynonna glances toward them. It's clear she didn't notice them until that moment. Her eyes narrow.

**WYNONNA**  
You *bleep bleep*! Get those *bleep* cameras out of my face you *bleep*!

Wynonna storms off. Waverly turns toward the camera with an apologetic look as Nicole stares at it like a deer caught in headlights.

**WAVERLY**  
Umm, sorry about her. It's been a rough day. We, umm, came across some... 

She glances to Nicole, who shrugs.

**WAVERLY**  
Umm, illegal dumping. In the forest. We had to gather samples. Yeah. And, umm, well, it got a little messy. 

Nicole is nodding along like a bobblehead.

**NICOLE**  
Yep. Sewage dumping. It was a mess. We'll be opening a joint investigation. 

Nicole scurries off and Waverly follows after her.

Jeremy glances toward the camera.

**JEREMY**  
(sotto voce)  
What would the Rock do?  
Nope. 

Jeremy waves shyly at the camera and runs after the women, disappearing into the BBD offices.

***

The crew had been doing some pick-up shots around the Sheriff’s Department when Mark’s boom mic bumped into a tall garden gnome, which was sitting on a bookshelf outside Nedley’s office. Nicole jumped at the sudden sound and turned toward the source. Her eyes wideed at the sight before her — the large gnome broken, it's pieces scattered about. Mark bent over to start picking up the pieces.

“No, stop!” Nicole insisted. “Don’t touch that. I’ll get help.”

Nicole ran down the hall to the BBD office, and called out for Waverly and Jeremy. 

“What’s the emergency, Haught-to-Trot?” Wynonna asked. 

“Gnome,” was all Nicole managed to say. 

“On it!” Jeremy said as he and Waverly sprinted toward the broken gnome. 

“What’s the big deal with the gnome?” Mark asked as Jeremy approached the wreckage. 

“It’s, uh, Nedley’s favorite,” Jeremy said. “Just, uh, let us fix it. I’m a scientist.”

Mark seemed about to say something when he was distracted by a call coming in to dispatch.

***

Chyron: Purgatory Sheriff’s Department, December 28, morning

**SUZANNE**  
We have a call from Bunny Loblaw. She is reporting a strange man in her neighborhood. 

The camera picks up Nicole glancing toward Nedley with a pained expression on her face.

**NEDLEY**  
Lonnie, why don’t you go check on Ms. Loblaw?

**LONNIE**  
Yessir.

Chyron: Purgatory, AB. Residence of Bunny Loblaw

The camera follows Lonnie as he approaches Bunny’s home and knocks on the door. A moment later, she answers.

**BUNNY**  
Well, it’s about damn time. And thank goodness that Deputy Haught didn’t come.  
She does not belong here in Purgatory. She is not our people.

**LONNIE**  
Ms. Loblaw, what can we do for you? 

**BUNNY**  
I saw a strange man wandering around in our neighborhood shouting about a wife. 

Bunnie looks forward to something behind the camera.

**BUNNY**  
Son, what kind of monstrosity is that white and pastel jacket? Are you one of those…

Lonnie glances at the camera and rolls his eyes. Suddenly, Bunny points off behind them.

**BUNNY**  
ISIS!

The camera catches a long-haired, bearded man with a red hat before cutting back to Bunny, who has collapsed. The scene shifts to paramedics tending to her. 

**PARAMEDIC**  
Ms. Loblaw, we need to take you to the ER. 

**BUNNY**  
Just don’t take me to Purgatory General. They have too many immigrant doctors. 

***

The film crew returned to find Waverly and Jeremy still trying to reassemble the broken gnome outside Nedley’s office. 

“I’m really sorry, Sheriff. Jeremy said that was your favorite gnome. I hope they can fix it.” 

“Oh, yeah. They’ll get it fixed,” Nedley said, glancing at the frantic effort to repair the gnome. "It isn't the first time it has broken." 

***

Chyron: Purgatory Sheriff’s Department, December 28, shortly after noon

The camera picks up the scraggly-haired bearded man from earlier walking into the sheriff’s department, striding with purpose. He seems to make a direct path for Nicole and Wynonna. Waverly jumps up and gets in front of him.

**WAVERLY**  
Not so fast, Gandalf!

The bearded man roughly shoves her aside, sending her flying. Jeremy takes her place, brandishing a broom like Gandalf trying to stop the Balrog on the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm.

**JEREMY**  
You shall not pass!

The camera shifts back to the strange man, who is now pointing toward Wynonna and Nicole. 

**STRANGE MAN**  
One of you will be my new wife!

The scene shifts to where Nicole and Wynonna are standing. Nicole sighs.

**NICOLE**  
(exasperated)  
We've been through this before.

**WYNONNA**  
Nicole would make a great gnome wife. She's beautiful and annoyingly noble. And I know she's great in bed because my house has very thin walls!

**WAVERLY**  
(off-screen)  
Wynonna! 

**WYNONNA**  
What? Am I wrong? 

**WAVERLY**  
(off-screen)  
I mean, no. But still!

The second camera picks up Waverly and Jeremy, gathering up the pieces of the garden gnome. Waverly is muttering something and glancing towards Wynonna as she works. 

The scene shifts back to Nicole, who is blushing and glaring at Wynonna. She turns toward the strange man. The camera follows before turning back to her. 

**NICOLE**  
No. You should choose Wynonna. She is, uh, funny, and irrepressible, and she always goes to the mat for the people she loves. 

The camera starts to shift back to Wynonna but then Nicole speaks up, so it stays on her. 

**NICOLE**  
And, umm, I think this would be a really good time to tell you that I am a lesbian.

**WYNONNA**  
Oh, like you never went through an experimental phase.

The camera on Waverly shows her look up curiously, as if waiting for Nicole’s answer, before the scene shifts back to Nicole. 

**NICOLE**  
Not with gnomes!

**WYNONNA**  
That's very narrow-minded, Nicole. Love is love.

The scene shifts back to Jeremy and Waverly as the brunette picks up a piece of the gnome that has two rounded parts. 

**WAVERLY**  
Oh my god, these are… 

**JEREMY**  
Boobs? Oh hell, gnome! 

**WAVERLY**  
Quick, stick the boobs back on!

**JEREMY**  
Nope. That's like sexual harassment. 

Jeremy holds up his hands and backs up, so Waverly attaches the piece.

There is a strange flash of light and the picture is briefly lost. The next shot is of the strange man, turning to see the large garden gnome has been repaired. A huge smile crosses his face.

**STRANGE MAN**  
Monique! You're alright! 

The camera follows the strange man as he picks up the garden gnome and snuggles it. It then stays on him as he walks out of the room. The scene cuts to Nedley, who has just walked in. 

**NEDLEY**  
That’s just, uh, Roger. He’s our daytime holiday Santa when I am here at work. He, uh, always gets a little weird after the holiday. He hits the leftover eggnog, if you know what I mean. 

**NICOLE**  
(sotto voce)  
This wouldn’t happen if I got to be Santa.

Nedley gives her a sharp look. Waverly sidles up next to her and puts an arm around her. 

**WAVERLY**  
But baby, you look so cute in the elf costume. Remember how much I liked it when you wore it for me?

**NICOLE**  
Oh yeah…

Nicole glances at the camera and catches herself before finishing her thought. She takes Waverly’s hand and leads her away somewhere. Part of their conversation is picked up by their still-live mics. 

**NICOLE**  
(off-screen)  
We still have it at the homestead, right?

**WAVERLY**  
(off-screen)  
Yep. And my sexy Mrs. Claus costume. 

Wynonna and Jeremy walk off toward the BBD offices. Wynonna’s groan is picked up by her live mic.

**WYNONNA**  
(off-screen, sotto voce)  
I’m going to need better ear plugs.

**NEDLEY**  
Ahem. As I was saying, Roger is a little eccentric. We, umm, have an annual bet involving that gnome and, ummm, I guess I lost this year and he was here to pick her up. Yep. See, it’s all under control. 

***

Chyron: Purgatory, AB December 29, 6:00 PM

The camera focuses on Suzanne, who is speaking animatedly on the phone, jotting notes about a call out to the Tatenhill farm. She turns to speak into the radio.

**SUZANNE**  
This is dispatch, we have a possible coyote attack at the Tatenhill farm. 

The scene cuts to Jesse’s camera, which shows Lonnie in his cruiser by the town line. He turns on his lights and sirens, and picks up the radio. 

**LONNIE**  
Dispatch, this is Lonnie. I’m on my way. 

**NICOLE**  
(off-screen)  
Deputy Haught, en route. Over.

The camera at the Sheriff’s department picks up Wynonna, Waverly, Dolls, and Jeremy leaving the BBD offices in a rush. The footage is shaky as it follows them to a large black SUV that drives off quickly. 

The next shot shows Lonnie arriving on scene. He speaks to Hetty Tate, who called in the report. 

Chyron: Hetty Tate, Purgatory Resident

**HETTY**  
It wasn’t a coyote! It was too big to be a coyote! And it was on two legs. 

**LONNIE**  
(aside to the camera)  
A lot of our residents are prone to exaggeration. 

**LONNIE**  
Can you show us this cow that the coyote attacked? 

**HETTY**  
I’m telling you, it wasn’t a coyote! You’ll see. 

The camera shows a blurred out shot of the cow’s corpse as Jeremy examines it. Wynonna and Nicole follow a set of large canine tracks into the nearby woods. Jeremy is gesturing animatedly to Dolls and Waverly, but he is not mic'd so there is no audio. He points to parts of the cow’s body and the footprints. The footage is shaky as if the person holding the camera keeps gagging. 

The scene shifts to footage from the second camera as Wynonna and Nicole enter the woods. The camera loses sight of them but follows the rustling as they move through the brush. The scene becomes better illuminated as the clouds part to reveal the full moon. 

A howl sounds from somewhere in the distance and the bushes start shaking, as if something large is running. 

**WYNONNA**  
(off-screen)  
Haught? Haught? Where did you go, Ginger Spice?

A second howl comes from near where Nicole and Wynonna entered the woods. The camera picks up a flash of bright red fur as a large creature dashes through the bushes.

**WYNONNA**  
(off-screen)  
*bleep* Not again! Haught! Heel!

The view shifts to Waverly, who is now running towards the forest. 

**WYNONNA**  
(off-screen)  
Dammit, Haught Dog! Don’t make me shoot you!

**WAVERLY**  
‘Nonna! You can’t shoot her! Nicole! 

The next shot is darker, the clouds having once again hidden the moon, and clearly from some time later. The camera picks up the three women emerging from the woods, roughly leading a handcuffed man. They all look a little worse for the wear, with disheveled clothes, twigs and leaves in their hair. Waverly and Wynonna are out of breath. Nicole seems to be panting with her tongue lolling out. 

**WYNONNA**  
(laughing)  
Haught Dog. Get it, baby girl? Cuz she's...oh. 

Wynonna stops talking as she notices the camera on her. Waverly and Nicole are both glaring at her.

The camera follows them as they put the man in the back of the black SUV. Dolls, Wynonna, and Jeremy leave with him. Waverly goes with Officer Haught in her cruiser, leaving Lonnie to wrap up. 

Chyron: Prank or werewolves?

**LONNIE**  
See, it looks like it was just a poorly executed prank. This kind of stuff happens around here from time-to-time. There are all these crazy stories about supernatural stuff in this town but I’ve never seen anything. It's usually just pranks or rival families messing with each other.

***

The production crew gathered in Shorty’s a few hours after the Tatenhill farm incident. Each person who was there or who had reviewed the footage seemed shellshocked by the evening’s experience. 

“Seriously, dude,” Jesse said. “I saw a giant furry creature out there. I just couldn’t pull focus fast enough.”

Michelle, who had remained back at the office when the incident occurred, narrowed her eyes and regarded him skeptically. “A monster? Really?”

“There was a howl! Maybe it was a werewolf,” Jesse insisted. 

“Hey, I was focused on the mangled cow corpse,” Bryan said, taking another shot. “Don’t ask me. But that cow was _wrecked_. I’ve never seen anything like that.”

“You guys realize how crazy this all sounds, don’t you?” Michelle asked. “Mike, Sandy, did you see anything? Mark, any audio?”

Mike and Sandy both shook their head. 

Mark shrugged then offered, “I did pick up audio of that Wynonna chick telling Deputy Haught to heel and making a dog joke.”

“Now, you folks do not believe in any of that tomfoolery, do you?” 

The production crew jumped at Doc’s question. They hadn’t heard him approach and looked at him with wide eyes, that widened further when his smile revealed larger-than-normal canine teeth. 

“No. No, of course not,” Mike answered, wary of Doc. “My team has just had some weird experiences since getting here and they are a little jumpy. There are lots of stories and legends about this town, and I’m sure it’s just gone to their heads.”

“Well, I would not believe any of those tall tales. Now, can I get you folks anything else to eat or drink?” 

***

“We have a call from Miller Farm,” Suzanne said from the dispatch. “Some trespassers are cow-tipping.”

“Lonnie,” Nedley said. “Why don’t you head out there? Take the crew with you.”

“Yessir,” the deputy said. 

Once Lonnie and the crew had left, Nedley turned to Nicole. “It’s just after the full moon. I think you should go take the BBD team out there, too. At least Wynonna. And since it’s probably Champ and the Yorke boys again, take Waverly. She’ll know how to handle him.”

Nicole sighed and walked down to the BBD offices. _Stupid Champ._

***

Chyron: Purgatory AB, December 30, 4:00 PM

The camera follows Lonnie as he approaches two young men who are standing near a fence, laughing as a third man was trying to wrestle a calf. From their mannerisms and stance, it is clear they are intoxicated. Lonnie turns toward the camera.

**LONNIE**  
(to camera)  
That’s Pete and Kyle Yorke. I went to high school with them. They are good guys, but they do drink a bit. That looks like Champ Hardy out there. He is a local rodeo star. He’s probably just practicing. Of course, he should have asked permission rather than trespassing. 

**LONNIE**  
(Cont'd)  
Pete, Kyle, what are you guys doing?

**PETE**  
Hey Lonnie! Champ is just trying to break his calf-roping record. He’s not doing so well. 

**KYLE**  
Yeah, that calf is tough.

**PETE**  
Hey, Champ! Lonnie’s here!

Champ turns and looks up from the calf, which promptly knocks him over and stands over him. It appears to bare its teeth and snarl. 

**CHAMP**  
Oh, *bleep*! The fuzz!

Champ takes off running in the opposite direction. Lonnie gives chase and one camera follows. The footage is shaky and nausea-inducing. Heavy breathing and jangling equipment are the only sounds. 

**LONNIE**  
Champ! Stop!

Champ gets to the fence on the other side of the pasture and tries to climb it. He doesn’t see the barbed wire between the bars of the fence and his pants get snagged. As he climbs, his pants tear, revealing ratty boxers with giant, yellow happy faces.

**LONNIE**  
C'mon, Champ. We need to take you in for this.

**CHAMP**  
Dude! There was something strange about that calf! It snarled at me!

The second camera shows Nicole approaching. Her distaste for the man is clear on her face. It then picks up Wynonna and Waverly talking to Pete and Kyle. 

The scene shifts back to Nicole and Lonnie freeing Champ from the barbed wire. The camera follows as Lonnie leads him back toward the cruisers. He continues to insist that the calf was not normal. His eyes widen as he sees Waverly.

**CHAMP**  
(shouting)  


Hey baby! Help me out. Tell them I’m not lying about the calf. 

**WAVERLY**  
(yelling)  
You are clearly drunk, Champ. And I'm not your baby.

**CHAMP**  
(to the camera)  
You know she’s with that cop now. I could have been a cop. 

There is a sound of a gunshot off-screen and the picture flickers as if something lit up in the distance. Seconds later, Wynonna walks into frame.

**WYNONNA**  
Ummm, the calf was injured. That’s probably why it was aggressive. I had to put it down. 

Wynonna stops as if she is noticing something behind the camera.

**WYNONNA**  
Yo, sound guy. The ‘80s called. They want their jacket back. Actually, no they don’t. No one wants that disaster.

**WAVERLY**  
(off-screen)  
Wynonna!

Wynonna turns and the scene shifts to Waverly and Nicole watching Lonnie lead Champ to his cruiser. Waverly turns to the crew with an apologetic expression.

**WYNONNA**  
(off-screen)  
What? I mean, look at it. 

**WAVERLY**  
I’m so sorry. 

***

Chyron: Purgatory Sheriff’s Department, December 31, 7 PM

**SUZANNE**  
Sheriff, we have a call from one of the residents who lives near the trailer park. She won’t give her name, but she is complaining about some sort of occult ritual being performed. 

**NEDLEY**  
Haught, Lonnie, I want you both out there. I’ll meet you there.

The camera switches between Lonnie and Nicole. The former was excited, the latter was not. It then shifts back to Nedley.

**MIKE**  
(off-screen)  


Occult activity? 

**NEDLEY**  
You’ve probably gathered by now that we have some strange stories. Strange stories attract strange people. We have some interesting folks who live out at the trailer park who think this area — the whole Ghost River Triangle — is a center of paranormal activity. I’ve lived here my whole life. It’s all a bunch of hooey. You’ve seen yourself how normal things can be misconstrued. Now, let’s get going. 

Chyron: Purgatory Trailer Park, December 31, 8PM

A man wearing a heavy fur coat stands on top of a car, surrounded by at least a dozen other men and a few women. A bonfire burns nearby. As if his coat isn’t distinctive enough, he has a mohawk and a dark beard with a single white patch in it. He stands with arms out and head back, eyes toward the heavens, as he preaches some sort of prophecy and curse. 

**NEDLEY**  
Bobo Del Rey, what are you up to now?

**BOBO**  
Sheriff, don’t you know that tonight is a night of power? Tonight, Mictian will rise.

Bobo catches sight of something and the camera follows to pick up Wynonna standing against a trailer. 

**BOBO**  
Well, if it isn’t the Earp heir gracing us with her presence. Are you here to witness the culmination of the curse? 

**WYNONNA**  
As if. 

Several of the men surrounding Bobo turn towards Wynonna.

**MIKE**  
(off screen)  
Di— did that man’s eyes just glow red? 

**LONNIE**  
Huh?

**NEDLEY**  
Trick of the light. Probably just reflecting from the patrol cars’ lights. 

**JESSE**  
(off-screen)  
I’m not picking it up on video. So it must be your angle. 

**LONNIE**  
Do I need to do anything about this?

**NEDLEY and NICOLE**  
No!

****

****

As the cameras focus on Bobo and the revenants surrounding him, someone snarls from off-screen.

**Revenant**  
(off-screen)  
I have you now, Earp heir.

**WYNONNA**  
(off-screen)  
Oh, really? Make your peace, *bleep*

There is a gunshot and all eyes turn toward Wynonna, whose gun is lined with glowing orange symbols. A short distance from her, flames are burning from a sooty dark patch in the ground, almost like a campfire flared up and then died out quickly. 

**WYNONNA**  
What? 

**NEDLEY**  
Were they messing with fireworks again, Wynonna? 

**WAVERLY**  
See, ‘Nonna, I told you! 

Waverly smacks Wynonna lightly and then turns toward the camera.

**WAVERLY**  
Some of the residents here had a falling out with our dad when he was Sheriff years ago. They don’t like Wy or me either. One of them was just setting up fireworks. I guess it was for the conclusion of Bobo’s big speech. 

**NICOLE**  
Yeah. The _occult activity_ always just turns out to be some big to-do of Bobo’s. 

**WYNONNA**  
_Yep_ , fireworks. They got a bit out of his control, as you can see. Got off prematurely.

**WAVERLY**  
She means they went off.

**MIKE**  
(off-screen)  
But your gun was glowing.

 **WAVERLY**  
Oh, that? That was a family gift to Wynonna for her birthday — we had runes carved into the gun barrel. They each have some symbolic meaning. The work is top-shelf and they almost look like they glow when the light hits them. It was just the fire reflecting off them. 

**WYNONNA**  
Yup. 

**NICOLE**  
Uh huh. 

The camera shifts back to Nedley, who is still talking to Bobo. 

**NEDLEY**  
Alright, Bobo. You keep things down here tonight, okay? We’re going to let this nice camera crew wrap up and head back to Shorty’s for the New Year party. Haught, would you stick around and make sure things around here are, uh, resolved? 

**BOBO**  
(chuckling)  
Yes. Enjoy your New Year, folks.

***

“Well, Sheriff, thank you for your hospitality,” Mike said when they reached the Sheriff’s Department. “I think my team and I are going to pack up and head out. We have rooms booked in Big City tonight and, well, no offense but we would rather be there tonight than here.”

“No offense taken, son,” Nedley said with a chuckle. “Y’all drive carefully. I wouldn’t want to write you a speeding ticket or anything.”

A short time later, the crew was packed up and heading out of town.

“Now that was the most unusual shoot we have ever had,” Sandy commented to Mike as they drove off. 

As the group passed near the trailer park on the way out of town, Mike noticed strange clouds gathering overhead. Occasional flashes of orange light seemed to flare up from ground level. He blinked and shook his head. No, it couldn’t be… 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little adventure. I haven't written anything like this before but once I started, I couldn't stop. 
> 
> I did take some dialogue directly from episode 3x07, but how could I not? There really was no way to improve upon that and it really just fit the tone of this fic perfectly.


End file.
